One of the easiest things amongst us humans is falling in love, it’s a primal urge hardwired into our psyche and for which we can hardly resist but letting go on the other hand is easily the hardest thing to do.
Let’s face it, if marriages made in heaven could be broken in court, then we can at least be more forgiving when our relationships go up in smoke. Relationships aren’t the stuff of fairytale and they won’t always lead to the aisle in every case although feelings may run high. And until the day you both hold each other’s hand and walk down the aisle, there’re about a dozen different probabilities and one of them is a heartbreak. The rule then when going into relationships is to expect the best but prepare for the worst. Savior Adore’s Dreamers lyrics offers us a little glimpse of the somewhat rollercoaster nature of most relationships today; “Now you see, what you thought was yours could never be had. Take a look around, try to understand that. It’s a game that you’ll never hold onto very long. Where we are isn’t just a place where everything remains”.
The fact is, when you are so head over heels in love with someone (to the point where you might catch a grenade for them), it’s just hard to pause for even a fleeting second and imagine them leaving our lives. So you can then imagine the shock and trauma that we are swathed in when our partner calls to inform us they are leaving us for good. It’s like our heart skipped a beat or we were taken off life support.
This announcement might leave even the strongest of us, dazed and might be followed by a pain as insufferable as that of a heroin addict who goes cold turkey. “But how do you expect me to live alone with just me. Cause my world revolves around you…losing you is like living in a world with no air” – So goes the duet of the “No Air” hit singles by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown and it describes accurately the emotional maelstrom that thickens the air during most break ups. There’re dashed hopes, failed dreams, unrealized expectations and what not. Not to talk about the feeling of watching it actually undo all that’s made of you. Sure it hurts like craps, but it isn’t the end of the world for you nor for your love life, in fact when tomorrow arrives, you’ll live on. After the rain comes sunshine. Okay if you really loved him or her, you won’t get over them overnight. It’s going to take some time but after a while, your broken heart will heal up and you’ll be back to the dating scene where you might be meet another awesome someone who ticks all the boxes for you. But for now, what matters is getting yourself back into shape and moving on after such a terrible experience. Here are 8 things you should do to move on after breaking up.
(1) Accept The Situation.
It’s sometimes hard to get over someone we’ve been in love with even after they tell us in person that they don’t love us anymore. Our usual response would be to try and deny that fact. We might inundate our significant other with pleading text messages that they might be ignored or unreturned, or worse stalk them on social media in search of any sign they are coming back (if you stay at this for long, you could lose your respect and dignity). But this worsens the situation and stymies the healing process. You have accept that a relationship is over to have any sense of closure, give yourself a little time to grieve and get back on your feet again. Don’t be afraid to cry it out.
(2) Resist The Urge To Blame Yourself
You are an extremely valuable, worthwhile, significant person even though your present circumstances may have you feeling otherwise. – James Newman.
When someone we’ve given our all, even outsourced our self-esteem turns around and rejects us, it’s so easy to think that we weren’t Good Enough for them or that there is something Wrong with us. This kind of thinking could open the door to more self-deprecation, self-harm and ultimately thinking the break up was entirely our fault. Blaming yourself for what happened will only make it worse and help you wallow in self-pity instead of picking yourself up. It could as well have been your ex’s fault. Don’t take far too much responsibility for something that was always out of your control. It wasn’t your fault and you did nothing wrong and it didn’t happen for a reason. It just happened. Say this out-loud; “this is not my fault”.
(3) Hit The Gym
Breakups make bodybuilders.
Break-ups can have quite a negative impact on us physically and emotionally. It could deal a blow to our self-esteem, foster despondency and hurt our self-image. And that’s why hitting the gym is so important immediately after a sour relationship. Regular workouts at the gym can put you back in shape, boost your self-esteem and self-image and also reduce the depression that trails the aftermath of most break-ups. It can also help you get over the mental trauma. Do exercises that push you over the limit.
(4) Cut Off Whatever Ties You Have With Them
Friendships often end in love; but love, in friendship – never. – Charles Caleb.
After breaking up with someone, as part of the healing process, you’d be well advised to kill off the “let’s-remain-friends” tendency which in actual fact is just a clever devise to lure the other side back into the relationship. You have to toughen a little bit and cut off whatever ties you have with your ex ad interim. Don’t do anything that stokes the fire of hurtful feelings. Don’t text, call or meet them in person. Stop following them on social media. You can unfriend and block them as well. You don’t need any painful reminders of them during this period of re-inventing yourself. You need the distance, trust me on this.
(5) Get A Pet
When someone we loved decides to leave us for good, they often leave behind a void needing to be filled and that explains why people involved in break ups do often get into rebound relationships to fill up this void. Owning a pet after a break up will create a new bond between you and your pet, engender a feeling of being loved, reduce depression, build a sense of belonging and feelings of increased positivity. In a way, your new pet can take the place of your ex. You can get a dog or cat for a start (one time I got both and you don’t want to know what happened next – tell you another day)
(6) Surround Yourself With Friends And Family Members
Breakups are painful and the pain could make us feel isolated and lonely. But since we’ve been disproved of the assumption that we can be an island unto ourselves in trying times, this is the time when you should fall back on your support network of family and friends to give your life the semblance of being loved again. They will give you a little pampering and a listening ear to vent all of your frustrations. Don’t go it alone.
(7) Read Great Breakup Books And Listen To Music
There are tons of amazing books and songs about breakups that you can relate with and which can help you get through the trauma of a breakup. You can read up Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love or Jean Hanff Korelitz’s You Should Have Known. As for breakup songs, you might want to listen to the “No Air” hit singles by Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks. Personally, I’d also recommend Ocean Drive by Lighthouse Family (I know it’s old school but the lyrics are truly invigorating). Taylor Swift sings good breakup songs too.
(8) Forgive And Forget
Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die. – Anne Lamott.
I don’t hold grudges, I disconnect power lines. – Andrea L’Artiste.
I know you feel like you’ve been wronged in more ways than one by your ex and you feel entitled to hold on to the pain that is yours to keep and hate them forever. But that isn’t moving on. It’s going to make you more miserable and ruin your happiness. Just let it go and see how amazing your life will turn out to be.